Facebook, your data and you

We are all furious right now at Facebook.  We are angry about how they shared our data.  Many who never used This is Your Digital Life got a message that a friend was on This is Your Digital Life so Cambridge Analytica MAY have gotten your data (and by many I mean anyone who has more than 10 friends on Facebook — I think we are all in the same boat there).

I cannot excuse Facebook’s breach of our trust; but I also cannot accept putting all the blame at their feet.  They would not have been able to share our information if we had not given it to them.  Like handing your money to someone for a “sure thing” and learning it’s a Ponzi scheme, you have made yourself an easy target.  

I did it, too.  When I got on Facebook, I paused a moment and considered that I was giving information to someone I didn’t know, but I decided the benefits outweighed the risks.  I made a conscious decision, and I own that decision.  I am still disappointed at what happened, but I will not say I don’t share any blame.

And sadly, things like this will always happen.  Did you know that the Ponzi scheme was first named in the 1920s?  (And in actual fact, the scheme itself was invented by Sarah Howe in the 1880s?) So why did people give money to Bernie Madoff in the 1990s?  All of this furor over Facebook will fade, and it will happen all over again with another app, I’m sure of it.  And why?  Because we concede to authority; and when we want to get on that new app with our friends and it says we have to give it data, we just give it.

But this blind trust can be very dangerous.  My husband recently spent a night in the hospital for observation (it turned out to be nothing serious, and he’s fine now).  During that stay, they (1) tried to give him something he’s allergic to, (2) tried to give him something he didn’t need (it wasn’t indicated for any of his symptoms), and (3) tried to take his blood twice in an hour (because one technician didn’t know what the other was doing).  Should the hospital have made all of these mistakes? Absolutely not; but if my husband didn’t take responsibility for his care and challenge authority, things might have gone very badly.  How many people check into that hospital and never question anything?

So whether it is your data, your money or your health, if you (and by that, I mean all of us) want to keep and protect it, you need to take responsibility.  Let this Facebook debacle be a lesson that might one day save your life (or your life savings).

10 Habits of a Trump Survivalist

Like most Americans, this past year has been stressful for me.  Not unlike a soldier in a battle zone, I’ve moved cautiously through my life, prepared at all times (and sometimes quite literally) for a bomb to drop.  In order to survive, I’ve had to adopt some habits.  These have brought some peace to my life and enabled me to function, so I’m hoping they will help you, too.

10 Habits for Surviving Trump

1. Don’t be surprised by anything he does.  Truly, at this point in the relationship, I think we know he’s abusive and irresponsible.  Since we can’t leave him, we need to just live our own independent lives and think of him like an undesirable roommate until the lease is up.
2. Don’t listen to his speeches. They are nothing but rhetoric crafted for the audience in front of him.  He will contradict or deny the statements the next day anyway. In fact, think of them like “choose your own ending” stories for his audience, and tomorrow night’s story can be a whole new adventure.
3. Don’t read Op-Ed’s.  Ever.  Just skip right over that page of vitriol and bile.  You don’t need someone else’s angry opinion — stick to the facts and form an angry opinion of your own.  Then feel free to write your own op-ed.
4. Skip the Twitter feed.  Unless you are the kind of parent who wishes there was a 24 hour tantrum channel, why would you watch this?  The really good stuff will come out in the news when the “adults” at the White House release a statement the next day (or when The Daily Show writers use it as free material).
5. Don’t wait expectantly for a savior.  I don’t mean to imply it is hopeless, but even if Robert Mueller develops something actionable, the process of addressing it is not swift.  It could take until the end of this term for something to happen (in fact, I secretly think the whole investigation is just a tool to give us hope and get us through these four years.)
6. Don’t engage in political discussion with anyone at any event.  If they are other-minded, it will devolve into a frustrating argument and ruin the party.  If they are like-minded, it will devolve into a depressed exchange of disappointments and woe, which will also ruin the party.  Have at least three other topics of discussion you can introduce.  Enjoy the party.
7. Limit the number of articles or posts you will read in a day.  If that means you have to limit your social media time, do it.  This is about your mental health — you need to put yourself first.
8. Adopt faith in other world leaders. Trying to take the bigger picture view, I believe that the rest of the world knows how trapped we feel (pretty sure they are reading the op-eds), and they have volunteered to babysit (reluctantly and in self-defense, but that still works in our favor).
9. Educate yourself on the local politicians and the mid-term election candidates, and VOTE.  While it will not change the situation in the big white mausoleum, it still gives you the power to effect your immediate life.  (If you feel brave enough, consider running for office yourself and fight the power from within!)
10. Find constructive ways to use that angry (or terrified) energy.  The Democratic Coalition has published a list of 20 things you can do, so start there. Watch for other opportunities to meet up locally (like this one). A single soldier can’t do much, but a whole army can win the war.

Survive, and I will see you at the victory celebrations, my friend.

It’s just going to get bigger

Warning: This post contains a gross metaphor (or at least a story that will embarrass my son one day). Intrigued? Read on …

There have been a few articles circulating about parents hovering, over-planning and social engineering their children’s lives (you may have seen one or two).  The reaction to this has included articles about these children in college with anxiety, depression and little-to-no skills in “adulting.”

I have been puzzled about why parents would shelter their kids so entirely from the world.  If the whole point of parenting is to raise a good, successful, self-reliant individual, it only seems logical to me that doing their homework, engineering all their social interactions and taking care of all their financial needs is counter-productive — I just couldn’t understand what these parents were thinking.

But, then I remembered an interaction with our pediatrician that seemed to explain it.

When my son was a sick infant, our pediatrician preferred that we took his temperature anally.  I must have had a look on my face when he said it because, he then turned to me and said,

“Don’t worry about putting this little thing in there, much larger things are going to come out.”

You see, I was concerning myself with this little bit of discomfort my son might experience when, in the grand scheme of his life (or at least his body functions), it was really not a big deal.  I was acting (or over-reacting) not to an actual discomfort, but to one I imagined he would have.

So perhaps that is what all this helicopter parenting is really about: parents over-reacting to imagined discomforts.  Perhaps what we (as parents) need is to step back and realize that our children are going to naturally experience larger things and survive just fine — that a little discomfort right now might be what’s best for them.

2 (Difficult) Steps to Balance

Many people talk about the challenges of work/life balance.  As a working mother and active volunteer, I struggled with trying to find this balance and, taking my cue from the name, I looked over and over at how to redefine my work and my non-work commitments in a way that made me happy.

Then I realized: I was looking at it all wrong.

The phrase “work/life balance” implies that the problem is defined as work vs. life.  I struggled with that because, frankly, what I do for a living has always been a part of my life.  I don’t mean in the I-spend-a-large-percentage-of-my-time way.  I mean that I have always sought jobs that brought me fulfillment of some kind, so I didn’t see them as a burden I endured in order to get to my “real life.”  Did that mean that I had work/life balance?  No, because I still felt (as most who struggle do) that I was coming up short somewhere, yet looking at the problem as work vs. life felt like I had to choose between my job and my kids — two things that I loved.

That’s when I realized that the problem is not work vs. life. It’s should vs. want.

Our lives are full of “shoulds.”  It’s most obvious with parenting, so I will start there.  We have all kinds of ideas about what we should be doing to be good parents: be home with the kids, go to their sports events, develop play groups, be involved at school, etc.  These shoulds come in part from what our neighbors are doing, what “experts” say online about good parenting, and from the way our parents raised us (sometimes punctuated with reminders from our living parents about what we should be doing.) Should, should, should …

Work isn’t much better.  How many times have you started in a job where you’ve been told you should do it a certain way because your predecessor did it that way?  Or because it’s always been done that way?  Or because someone read online that you should do it that way?  Should, should, should …

And then there is the stuff.  I should drive this car, go here for vacation, buy my kid Ugg boots, wear Jimmy Choo shoes … Should, should, should …

Enough already.  We are drowning ourselves in shoulds. This is the burden that over-extended blogger moms are talking about; this is the basis for the advice read over and over about “putting something down.”  Agreed, we need to put something down.  What?

So the conversation always seems to come back to “work/life.”  We figure out how to finish our day at work, get to the kid’s soccer game, then make a home-cooked meal (prepped over the weekend and in the freezer, just like that online chef suggested), help our child with homework and bedtime, call into a PTO meeting and send some emails on behalf of our volunteer role before we collapse into bed (did I remember to move the wash to the dryer?) to start the whole thing over again.  What should you put down?

The answer is simple — just two steps — but not easy. You need to:

1. Clarify and prioritize your values
2. Hold yourself to only your top 4.

Yes, that means that if making it to church every Sunday like mom and dad did is #5, it needs to be let go.  Simple, yet not easy (as any daughter with a religious mom will tell you.) We need to be clear about what we really want (based in what is most important to us), and we need to recognize that everything else is what other people want; and — and this is why it is hard — what we think we want in order to please those other people.

So I am calling for us to shift the conversation away from work vs. life and into should vs. want.  I am calling for us to get real about what is most important to us AND to suspend judgement of others when their values mean choosing different things.  Most importantly, I’m calling for us to suspend judgement of ourselves when we choose something that is different from what our friends and family would choose.

Left and Right

I’ve been taking some online classes that focus on business development for coaches.  In addition to getting some awesome branding tips from a well-known guru in the field, one of the classes focused on business planning for right-brained folks.  Because coaching is a rather creative, relationship-driven field, there is an assumption that most coaches are right-brained (non-verbal and intuitive), but as I sat uncomfortably through the class, it raised a very interesting question for me: am I left-brained or right-brained?

As a reformed engineer (because that’s where I got my degree), I’ve always prided myself on my logical, analytical way of thinking.  Bringing this to bear in a business environment has been critical to managing large projects or large teams of people.  Implementing a solution to a problem was always as easy as developing a logical plan and accompanying task list. 1-2-3 … done!  That is very left-brained.

But if I look even further back, I was first a dispossessed writer (poet in high school, runner up for the Governor’s School for the Arts).  My personal pursuits still include creative activities like scrapbooking, photography, music and, yes, writing. I frequently trust my intuition when evaluating a person or situation, and I rely on my creative side to come up with new and innovative solutions to problems. Red-potato-seven … done! Very, very right-brained.

I’ve come to the conclusion that — whether I started as left-brained or right — I have actually become very good at merging the two ways of thinking in order to solve problems.  It’s like there are two peeps in my head.

The left says, “Here is the definition of the problem;”

then the right says,”Here are all kinds of crazy ways to solve that, some of which may defy the laws of gravity;”

then the left says, “Give them to me, and I will sort through them and figure out which one can be applied for the best results.”

Boom.  Best.idea.ever. (Or at least a very good one.)

I think my conclusion is that I’m not left-brained or right-brained.  I’m both-brained, and that is my personal super power.

What’s yours?

Fulfillment (Part 3): The Fulfillment

Previously on “Fulfillment”: our heroine pondered the difference between fulfilling and rewarding with the help of dharma.  I think there was a really hot guy and a car chase, and maybe some explosions.

And now, our thrilling conclusion …

I want to feel fulfilled.  I think we all want that.  We chase all kinds of things — money, relationships, jobs, education — in this desire to find our life’s purpose and feel fulfilled.  If the Bhagavad Gita is correct, we actually come to this state of fulfillment many times in life; and yet we can go on not feeling “fulfilled.”

After all of my pondering on this topic, I’ve come to this conclusion:  for some of us, it’s not that we aren’t fulfilling our purposes; it’s that we don’t recognize the completion or accomplishment when it occurs.  Every task we undertake (no matter how large, complex or impressive) is reduced to a checkbox, and there is always another empty checkbox waiting. We’re the ones who never stop working on things, and we never stop to celebrate. If you ask us what we’re proudest of, we would have trouble answering the question because we never stop to say, “I’m proud of what I just did.”  In short, we don’t acknowledge our accomplishments.

“… to say that you accept … the truth or existence of (something)”… like an accomplishment, an achievement, a job well done.  There is something there that wasn’t before — something I made or made happen — and I need to see it, recognize it and celebrate it.  Even if it is small.  Even if I think someone else wouldn’t appreciate it.  I need to appreciate it, because it’s mine.

The new year is right around the corner, so now feels like a good time to think about new habits.  I’ve already started keeping a list of accomplishments over my desk: a hodgepodge of sticky notes showing stops and starts and a handful of great deeds.  For the coming year, I resolve to find at least one thing to put on my accomplishments chart every day.  If I’m successful, I will need a bigger wall over my desk (and a lot more sticky notes), but won’t that full wall seem fulfilling?

Fulfillment (Part 2)

When we last left our heroine, she was pondering the depths of fulfillment: what does it feel like, how do we get it etc.  

When I started looking at fulfillment, one of the key questions I asked myself was:  If I found something “rewarding,” is that the same as “fulfilling”?

*Knock knock* Merriam-Webster?

“… a good feeling that you have done something valuable …” Huh. I know I’ve done things that are valuable — I even remember feeling some sense of pride looking back at those items, but the sensation always seemed fleeting.  “Fulfillment,” on the other hand, sounds like something more permanent, but is that right?

I have been reading this book called The Great Work of Your Life, which looks at the idea of dharma (true calling) through the story of the Bhagavad Gita as well as the lives of some famous (Susan B. Anthony, Jane Goodall, Walt Whitman) and not-so-famous lives.  One of the most fascinating things about this book has been the concept that we can have multiple dharmas or callings in our life — that we can use up a dharma (for lack of a better phrase) and need to move on to a new dharma.

In other words, we can be fulfilled by something today, then need to move to something new for fulfillment tomorrow.  It doesn’t mean that the first thing never fulfilled us; and reaching fulfillment in one thing does not mean we won’t need to seek fulfillment elsewhere in the future.  If that is true, then fulfillment is not a permanent thing at all.

Well double huh.  So if I define what I need (my “order”) and I achieve it, then I am actually reaching fulfillment … many times. So why doesn’t it feel like “fulfillment”?

And so I continue to ponder …

Fulfillment (Part 1)

As a coach, I ask each incoming client to answer a few questions about themselves, and one of those questions is:

What are your three most fulfilling achievements so far?

Now, some of you would easily (or with a little thought) answer that question; but I have been surprised by the fact that some people cannot answer that question because they are hung up on one word: “fulfilling.”

I’ve been learning that “fulfilling” is a loaded word. For some people, it carries a certain mystique, like something that is experienced only by Buddhist monks or people who have their entire life together. (Whoa. That’s bad news for people like me.) What does it mean to be fulfilled? What does it feel like? Is it a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach? An overwhelming sense of contentment or peace? If I found something “rewarding,” is that the same thing?

Why can’t we experience “fulfillment”?

I went to the dictionary:

“To do what is required by (something …)”  Huh.

When I worked in a production facility, we always talked about fulfilling orders. There was never any doubt about whether an order was fulfilled — the order told you what you needed to provide. Once you provided it, the order was fulfilled. No warm fuzzy feeling required. So is that what is missing — the “order?”

How have I written the “order” for my life? How have I defined what I need? And how will I know when I’ve actually fulfilled it?

And so I have been pondering …

Moving … Always Forward

When last we left our heroine, she was headed west for training toward her ICF certification.  It was a grueling journey each way (to Portland, OR via Denver, CO), and in-between was packed with 13 hour days, tons of reading and tons of practicum.  I found myself bonding tightly to 18 other human beings as if we had spent the week in a foxhole.

One of the most important things we talked about (in fact, it took up the first 2.5 days) was shoring up our personal foundations.  In a nutshell, if you are going to be coaching people about making positive changes and improvements in their lives, your personal ducks should be in order (or at least on their way there).  Part of this process is identifying tolerations: things in our lives, both big and small, that we tolerate, but which actually drain energy from us and make us less present in our lives. The idea, of course, is to begin addressing the tolerations (which could mean delegating, getting things done or even letting go).

This is a somewhat uncomfortable exercise.  Some tolerations have been around for a long time; some involve people (I can’t begin to count the number of specific family members mentioned in this discussion); some are tied to us at a very deep emotional level; but regardless of what (or who) they are, we have to deal with them in order to move forward.

There was something powerful about doing this exercise in a room with practical strangers far away from home.  Isolated from judgement, I had the space to really look at some of the things I have going on in my life — the things that I literally dread doing — and make decisions about what I want to do about them.

So, I will be making some changes in my life.  Some big, some small, some that no one but me will notice, and some that might surprise people.  Believe me when I say it has to be done, and I hope that my friends will understand and support me on this leg of my journey as I keep moving forward.

Growing Stronger

Back in June, I shared that I was working very hard on defining my own business — the next step in my career path.  As you can tell from the posts between then and now, the last several months have been full of ups, downs, twists and turns both personally and professionally. At this very moment, though, I have come to an important point, so I thought it would be a good idea to post an update.

First, I love having a coach.  If you’ve never had one, and you’ve always wondered what the big deal was, then here it is:  there is nothing like having one person who is both completely dedicated to your success and objective enough to point out what you can’t see.  My hubby is wonderfully supportive, but sometimes he is too close (or thinks too much like me) to point out what is tripping me up.  Without my coach, I would not have gotten to this point.

And this point is … the impending launch of my own team and executive coaching business, Mariposa Teams.  (And before you ask: no, my coach does not recommend all her coachees go into coaching, just the special ones ☺ .)

Looking back, the choice to go into team coaching is not at all a surprise.  My history is littered with experience working with teams, advising clients, facilitating leadership training and helping others to improve their personal and professional skills.  Even today, my volunteer work continues to include these activities, both directly (working with collegiate chapter officers) and indirectly (the band boosters don’t know what hit them!)

And lest you think I went into this lightly, I have not.  For starters, I have been talking with all kinds of coaches (business, career, executive, etc.) to ensure I know what I’m getting into; I’ve developed a pretty strong business plan; and this weekend, I leave to begin my coursework toward my ICF certification (which, I assure you, is neither cheap nor easy.)   If none of that has scared me off of this path, I don’t think anything will.

There is still a lot of work ahead of me (so my business plan says!), so watch for more updates here and on my Facebook page; and if you want to learn more, let’s do lunch!